1. Changing Your Teens Thinking

Today we’re going to talk about cognitive distortions.

Cognitive equals your brain, your mind, your thinking.

It’s the gray gooey stuff that makes you, you.

17th century French philosopher, René Descartes, said “ergo coito sum”, I think therefore I am. Thinking equals your existence.

Cognitive distortions are ways of thinking about things that are inaccurate or biased.

Your brain is working against you. Not all the time, but the battle of your inner world is between you and an external enemy, it’s between you and your own worst enemy, also you.

A lot of our problems and self-destructive behavior are artifacts of another time. Another time in history or another time in your own life.

If you lived 1000 years ago, not trusting the tribe a few valleys away might result in your tribe being wiped out.

Mistrust of the other used to keep your ancestor’s tribe safe, now it makes you an ignorant bigot and sabotages your own life and hurts others too.

2. What are cognitive distortions?

Cognitive distortion are really just biases in your mind that cause irrational behavior.

We unknowingly re-enforce these irrational thoughts and beliefs over time until they become a part of our everyday thinking that we don’t recognize. They become “our truth.”

While we might celebrate someone speaking “their truth,” this isn’t always a good thing if your truth isn’t true.

Worse yet, if “your truth” is causing you or other damage, you should try to recognize your bias and correct patterns of thinking so that your destructive behavior changes over time.

There are many cognitive distortions, but they all have three things in common:

They are a pattern of thinking

That is false or inaccurate

And has the potential to cause damage to you of someone else.

No one likes to admit something they think is wrong. The word “actually” has been identified as the world most annoying word.

We don’t like to be corrected. But it helps to realize three things:

• Everyone has cognitive distortions –You might be thinking, I’m sure other people do have false belief patterns, but not me.” Well, that’s a cognitive distortion right there called the Always right fallacy. See, fun already.
• You can overcome these false beliefs – It might some work and some blows to your pride, but you can and must work against the false thing patterns of thinking that are sabotaging you.
• Your adjustments to your thinking will change your behavior – Your behaviors begin in your thoughts and your habits are determined by your thinking patterns. Change those patterns and you change your behavior almost automatically. For example, its hard to lash out in ager about something you aren’t angry about and it hard to get angry at someone when you noodle though the fact that it’s not them, it’s you. Get it?

By the way, cognitive distortions, for reasons that will become obvious, correlate with depression, which is something teens already struggle with, so this is a break these false thought biases are key to good mental health for teenagers.

Before I get to the first three cognitive distortions, let me say this.

I’m not a therapist, but I am an expert at dealing with teenagers. I know how to speak to them, motivate them and help them change before it’s too late.

I’ve spoken all over the world to and about teenagers. I’ve worked with schools and law enforcement in helping teenagers, I travel with hundreds each year on volunteering trips and I’m a parent to two teenagers.

As I present these, I will present them like I’m talking to you so you can do the same with your teenager or you could watch this with them.

It’s also possible you might just see yourself in these and I’m tricking you into dealing with your own stuff.

Myth of Fairness

Myth of Fairness is when you get resentful because you think you know what it fair, but you feel that people or things that happen aren’t fair to you.

When you expect everything to be fair, but realize it usually isn’t, you can become frustrated and feel like a victim.

Consequences: People who feel constantly victimized can become chronically angry and easily set off.

Examples: 1) You perceive that your parents favor one of your siblings or another person more than you. You see this favoritism in everything.

2) Everyone else gets a raise and work and you become angry. You believe you have been targeted.

How to deal: Challenge your assumptions that everything should and can always be fair. Realize that sometimes you will be treated unfairly in your opinion and sometimes you will get favored treatment.

Think of things that you have to be thankful for instead of focusing on the never-ending list of things that others have that you don’t have. Realize you may have to work just as hard or harder than others to get the same results.

Jeff: Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if everything was always fair? We can and should fight for justice, but we can’t let injustice ruin our lives and relationships, because injustice will always exist. Someone else will always have it better than you, but there are those who will always have it worse.

Double Standards

Double Standards is when you hold others to a different set of standards than you hold yourself to.

Consequences: frustrations from unmet expectations and relational tension in your most important relationships.

Examples: 1) You lie to your parents when backed into a corner but hold them to an incredibly high standard for truthfulness, even referring to broken promises or mistakes as lies.

2) You judge others by their worst actions and judge yourself by our best intentions.

How to deal: Commit to assuming the best instead of the worst for others when different possible motivations might be possible.

Recognize that people not only make mistakes but will sometimes intentionally wrong you and offer the same forgiveness you wish to receive.

Jeff: People aren’t perfect. They lie, they are selfish, the do things wrong and sometimes they make mistakes. You should be used to it because you do it all the time. Don’t set unrealistic standards for the behavior and motivations of others.